the new and improved INUYASHA
by cottoncandy91
Summary: Ok this story is a twist. It's hilarious. The characters are nothing of what you suspect and omg Sesshomaru, is the funniest thing ever. Just to give you a hint, can you picture Naraku as a crippled, crazy, who's...i can't tell you. Trust me, you might h
1. Default Chapter

**Ok. This story is a twist. It's hilarious. The characters are nothing of what you expect and o/m/g/ Sesshomaru, is the funniest thing ever. U will love it. Trust me, you might be a bit pissed off from the character lining but I promise that u will love it also.**

**Plus this is my first fanfic. So be nice. You will laugh for ever. If you r&r you will get my love. You don't like it you have absolutely no sense of humor. Ok. Well I will let you read it now. So enjoy. Peace Love and NO War! (Inside Joke).**

The new and improved Inuyasha

Chapter 1: The Twisted Brothers

Sesshomaru, Rin, and Jaken were walking down a narrow path when all of a sudden Sesshomaru tripped over a big tree root. He jumps back up and says "Oh my god I broke…. a nail, Jaken looks please hurry we have to go to get another manicure. They were walking back (more like running) and suddenly out of the sky men started falling. Then Sesshomaru burst into song "It's raining men hallelujah its raining men" and he turns around and says "sing with me Jaken."

Then Rin started to strip down naked when Sesshomaru turned around "Jesus, Rin cover yourself up, God!" After they calmed down and Rin got dressed, they tried to figure out what was going on (or at least Rin did, Sesshomaru didn't give a fuck I mean it was raining men!) When there was no more men raining Sesshomaru got furious, "Where they all go?"

Back at mansion:

There was a bit of commotion going on, "Inuyasha get out of my room, me and Sango are trying to listen to Slipknot, Damn." Kagome yelled. "Why do you listen to that it causes so much violence and hatred, and we need all love we can have, group hug!" She throws a pillow at him, "Fuck you!" she screamed. "Fine I go spread my love somewhere else." Inuyasha said while skipping to her door tossing flowers around her room and screaming "Peace, Love, and

No War" Inuyasha skipped down to Shippo room, opened the door and screamed "Peace love and No War! Here have a flower!" Inuyasha tossed a handful of flowers at Shippo and continued to spread his love to the other rooms. He opened gangsta Kaedes hut screaming "peace love and no war!" Kaede looked at him and pulled out a 9mm and said(well threatened) "get the fuck out or I'll pop a cap in yo ass!" Inuyasha gave a blank stare, and then said "have a cap full of flowers!" then left. He went downstairs picked up the phone and called Sesshomaru. The phone rang for a few seconds until Sesshomaru picked up. "What's up girlfriend?"

Inuyasha, confused on the other line said" I just wanted you call and tell you…. Peace love and no war!" Inuyasha screamed into Sesshomaru's ear. "Um…Sesshomaru…are you there?" little to Inuyasha knowing, it was Sesshomaru's answering machine. "Oh well, peace love and no war!" Then Inuyasha continued his spree of tossing flowers and happiness.

At the salon

"Can you please help me? I'm in a hurry. I broke a nail!" Sesshomaru screamed. He looked around to see the place in utter chaos. People were running around screaming "code red!" and "we have an emergency! Get a specialist down here right away! Get the SNB!" The next thing Sesshomaru noticed was glass breaking through the ceiling. "Oh my god! My eyes! Jaken help me!" the next event was the room being poured full of tear gas. Sesshomaru screamed "oh my god what's going on!" Then a man walked up to him. "Are you the victim?" the man asked. "Yes it's me! Please help! My nail broke!' Sesshomaru screamed to the man. "Sir calm down, everything is under control, we have the best." Sesshomaru sighed and said "oh thank god." "Sir please sit down and explain to me what happened. How long has it been broken?" the man asked Sesshomaru. "It's been broken for a few hours now. Please help me! I'm too young to die without a nail!" Sesshomaru said with fear of his life in his voice. "It's ok we **will **fix your nail." The man said with confidence. He took out a finger nail filer and started his work. Sesshomaru screamed "OWWWW be gentle, I bruise like a banana, God!"

Back at the mansion:

Gangsta Kaede jumped into her chrome packed four horse power pimped out ban wagon. "I'll see you bitches and hoes later. Peace out homies!" She threw up her gangsta sign, hit the whip and strolled out with Fiddy Cent Candy Shop in the background.

In the mansion Inuyasha was very sad. He had locked himself in the closet and said "Nobody wants my Peace Love and no War. What's wrong with them? Everyone wants a group hug and a cup of flowers." As he said that Kagome walked by. "Inuyasha is that you?" There was no answer. "Inuyasha?" Kagome said again. "NO! I haven't locked myself in the closet and turned off the light and ruined my lovely flowers! Nobody wanted my Peace Love and no War. NO! Not a single group hug! NO! NO! NO! This can't be happening! Everybody wants Peace, and Love, and no War! But obviously you people don't want it. I was trying to be nice, a loving and caring person, and you shattered my hopes and dreams. YOU! YOU! You know what I DON'T LIKE YOU! ESPECIALLY THAT GANGSTA KAEDE AND HER POPPIN A CAP IN MY ASS!" Shippo walked by to. "INUYASHA! It's ok! I'm a victim to." He broke down by the door and started to cry. "Oh my God!" Kagome said. "I can't take it." _(Shippo was a victim of Michael Jackson.)_ Kagome ran down the hall way to her room and got Sango. "Sango you have to help me! Inuyasha has locked himself in the closet and Shippo broke down saying that he's a victim and Gangsta Kaeda went to go make a deal! And….And………I can't take it!" Kagome picked up pillows and started to hit her forehead. "I.. CAN'T… TAKE IT!" she said while she hit herself. Sango opened her journal and started to write, "Death has overcome our house." She took another hit of her joint, and passed it to Kagome. "This what I do when I can't take it. Complements to Gangsta Kaeda." She said in a calm and relaxed voice. "What? What's this?"

10 minutes later.

"You are right Sango, this does work." She sat there and looked around the group. They were all sitting around in a circle and looking very, very, very calm. Inuyasha wasn't in the closet and Shippo wasn't crying, and Sango, just wasn't different. Inuyasha said. "I don't know what this is but it's great! Everybody group hug!" Everybody gathered around Inuyasha and gave a giant group hug. "Now this is what I'm talking about!" Inuyasha screamed with glee. Just then Gangsta Kaede came in with her gang and looked around. "What's the fuck this!" She yelled. "I come home and this is what I find! A whole bunch lil kids sitting round huggin on my God damn carpet! "What are you talking about!" Kagome yelled. "You are dripping blood on your carpet." Gangsta Kaede walked over to Kagome, strained to grab Kagome by her collar, but couldn't so she got one of her gangsta members to do it. "T-bone." Kaede said. "Pick her up." The guy picked her up and put her in Gangsta Kaedes face. "You didn't see nottin Bitch!" Kaede said with a threat and the guy dropped her. Her and her gang walked out of the room.

Inuyasha said. "Wait Kaede! You need a group hug to!" Inuyasha chased after her.

Nobody had seen Miroku for days now and they all wanted to find him so they sent Sango. Sango went up to his room. She opened the door and found a sight she would never forget. Miroku having a three some with two chics. "Get the fuck out of my room. Bitch I'm trying to pimp here!" Sango hurried out and shut the door. "OH MY GOD!" Sango freaked out. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" she ran down the hall way screaming. Kagome saw her running in the hall and stopped her. "What's wrong Sango?" she asked. Sango looked in all directions and screamed as she continued to run.

Back at the Salon

The salon was still hectic and crazy. Only because Sesshomaru's right index finger nail was longer than the others. "OH my god!" he yelled. "What did you do! I look crazy! Take it off GOD! Take it off now!" "We can't sir we used superglue." Sesshomaru's face sank into sadness. "What! What do you mean?" his eyes started to tear up. "I'm gonna look like a freak!" "I'm sorry sir. The mission was a failure." Everyone cleared out, leaving Sesshomaru in a state of depression. He sat there for three hours staring at the ugly nail. Rin walked in. She had been waiting for her lord for a long time. "What's wrong lord Sesshomaru?" she asked. "My nail. It's ugly don't look at it." He sobbed. "Oh. Well I can strip for you." As she took off her sweater, lord Sesshomaru yelled. "No! Oh god no! Great Jehosephet! Stop this instant. MY EYES! MY EYES!"

"God you don't have to rub it in!" Rin ran out of the Salon. "NO! Rin I was just upset! Don't leave me! All alone." He started to cry again. "Everyone leaves me." Jaken walked in. "I'm here for you my lord." Jaken and Sesshomaru hugged.

Back at the mansion yard

"Whistle whistle whistle." Inuyasha whistled. He was crossing the yard and skipping over to their new next door neighbor's house. "Lalalalalalal" he sang.

When he got to the door, he knocked. "Anyone home!" he yelled politely. The door opened and a man in a wheel chair came forth. "Hi! I'm Inuyasha from next door! I came to get sugar! Do you have any?" The man got a crazy look on his face and his eyes and mouth started to twitch. "Sugar." He said in a muffled voice. "I don't have sugar. Sugars white." He said. "Well what's wrong with white mister?" Inuyasha asked. "I have a phobia." The man said. "Oh well you are white." Inuyasha told the man. "Wha, what!" the man started to scream and yell. He scooted his wheel chair back and forth and in circles. He hit the wall, screaming "WHITE!WHITE!AHHHHHHH!" His wheel chair hit the wall again and toppled over. "I'm not white!I'm purple!" he said while hitting himself in the head with his fist. "NOOOOTTTT WHHIIIITTTTEEEEE!" "Oh well bye then mister." Inuyasha hopped back. "Well he was a nice fella." He said. He skipped all the way to the house and the health inspector was there. "HI! Mister!" Inuyasha said to the new person. "Who are you? I'm Inuyasha!" He said. The man turned around with his cigar and said. "I am Koga, the health inspector." The man had a weird accent. "I am here to inspect, this premises." He took another puff of his cigar and blew it in Inuyasha's face. Inuyasha coughed. "Well have fun mister. Here have a flower. Peace, Love and no War. Bye!" Inuyasha ran down the hall way looking for the others to spread his love and happiness.

Back at the salon:

Sesshomaru and Jaken were still having there moment when all of a sudden Rin ran into the salon and yelled "Oh my God, are yall gay?" "No silly, of course not. We are just having a feminine moment. God. Lets go now." So they got up and left the salon and continued their journey while singing. When they got to lord Sesshomaru's house they sat in the living room and talked about there day "I especially liked the part when it was raining men." Sesshomaru said with joy in his voice. When they were done talking they all went to there rooms and fell asleep. The next morning Sesshomaru woke up to the sound of music, to be specific Mozart, it was Jaken playing his favorite song. Sesshomaru walked into Jaken's room to find Jaken dancing and jumping around in his underwear.

"Jaken. I have been thinking and," he put his pinky to the corner of his lip, "I…I…I think I'm gay!" he yelled and kicked his leg into the air.

Jakens jaw dropped.

**What did you think. Comon. You loved it. You thought it was the funniest thing ever. Right. Oh. I'm wrong. You hated it. Well guess what lil mister. I think that you hated it so much that you love it. Am I right. Comon let me gather my victory. Huh. You know you love me. Well. We can only right when my sis Jess is here, so chappy 2 will take a while. I'll leave you in suspense. Think about it. PEACE LOVE AND NO WAR!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Is Sesshomaru Gay? Find Out This Time On

The new and improved Inuyasha

Sesshomaru looked at Jaken. Jaken slowly walked over to the wooden coffee table (which sat on tiger fur), he picked up a pack of cigarettes. He hit it a few times on his wrists and pulled out a cigarette. He took out his lighter which says Prison Is My Favorite System. He lit it and the flame glowed on his little frog face.

"Sesshomaru." He said as he puffed his cigarette. "We have had this

conversation before. Don't you remember. It was the night of September

1st 16 something, I forget. Your toe was bleeding. I gently wrapped it up with the silk thread that I ripped off the carpet that morning, just in case."

"Wait, wait, wait." Sesshomaru butted in. "You wrapped my toe with

thread from a carpet."

"No. Don't get me wrong Sesshomaru." He took another heavy puff of his

cigarette. "It was the finest imported silk from Asia." Sesshomaru gave a half approved look and let Jaken finish.

" Now. On that night, I drank a couple of martinis and you drank ten

more strawberry decries. Virgin of course I know how you hate alcohol. But, you were in your robe, and do I dare say how sexy you looked. Your, fine leopard print robe that I got you for Christmas the year before."

"I remember that robe!" Sesshomaru said happily, "Where did that thing

go? I'm going to go find it!"

Jaken yelled after Sesshomaru, "Wait! You can't I haven't finished my

story!"

Sesshomaru ran into his room and into the closet. "It's got to be here.

It just has to be." He started to throw out all of his clothes and he stumbled upon a closed box. He took out the box and blew all of the dust off. He opened the box and took out the contents. It was a pic that Inuyasha had drawn of him and his older brother. Sesshomaru got all teary eyed. "Why did we ever split dear brother?" He thought to himself. Suddenly Sesshomaru realized something. He could ask Inuyasha for help. Sesshomaru went to the side of his bed and picked up the phone. He dialed Inuyasha's number and waited while it ringed.

"Hello." Someone answered.

"Hi. This is Sesshomaru. I need to speak to Inuyasha. It's like

urgent."

"Oh. Hold on." The person made a noise with the phone that sounded like

he sat it down. Sesshomaru waited a while but then someone answered.

"Hello. This is Inuyasha."

"Oh my god,Inuyasha dear brother. I'm sorry that I always ignored your

calls and stuff but so totally need your help right now!"

"Sesshomaru!" Inuyasha said. "You know I will always be there for you.

Even though u terrorized me as a child; by locking me in the closet and

always putting water in my sheets as I slept…so that when I woke in the

morning I'd think I wet my bad and then I'd get in trouble."

Sesshomaru sat there…pretty shocked...I did that.. he thought to himself.

"I uh…..I'm sorry…Inuyasha.." Sesshomaru waited for an answer.

"Oh I kno u didn't mean it big BROTHER..u were a growing boy, and I was

your little brother..I bet older brothers do it all the time… I'll listen; tell me what your problem is."

"Well. I…oh it's so embarrassing. I think I'm gay." Sesshomaru

desperately listened for any sign of Inuyasha laughing.

"Dear brother. I feel your pain, I'm not gay, and I'm just a puss like

gay people so I understand."

"You understand me wow! What are your feelings on me being gay!"

Sesshomaru said with curiosity in his voice. "Well…I like gay people

they never have wars and they love cats and poodles too. Gay people even have magic to summon the rainbow. Did u ever wonder where the rainbows came from in those skittle commercials, its cause they have gay guys on the set for the commercials. But they hold them captive and threaten to color their poor poodles black if they don't summon the rainbow…..u gay guys got it in for you." said with a kind of happiness in his voice.

"Uh…yeah we do I guess…" said Sesshomaru..kinda worridly.

"Sesshomaru would you like to come over for dinner everybody's going to

be there. Or maybe you could just come over for a couple of days just to sort out your problems."

"Ok. Thanks Inuyasha." (Inuyasha could here weeping over the other end

of the phone) "I really do appreciate it."

Back at the mansion:

Inuyasha was skipping joyfully back over to Naraku's. He had a plan to

invite everyone for dinner. Even his older brother Sesshomaru was

coming.

"Wow I'm so excited!" Inuyasha said while stopping near the door of

Naraku's house, spying a patch of

Dandelions. "Wow! Look at all the dandelions! They all look so happy!" He reached down very sneakily, to make sure that Naraku didn't see him, and picked one. He got back up and knocked three times on the door. He heard some one knocking back from the other side of the door.

"Oh…wonder who that could be." Inuyasha tried to open the door. "Oh…."

He said as he realized that it was locked. "Why would they knock if I cant even open the door." So Inuyasha just decided to knock right back. He knocked 2 times this round. Then some one on the other side knocked 4 times. So Inuyasha knocked 6 times. "knock-de knock knock knock-de knock knock" kind of like he was making a beat. Since no one was answering he decided to ring

the bell. Then suddenly he heard boastful singing from inside the house.

"I made it threw the wilderness…I know I made it threw-e-ewww. Didn't

know how lost I was until I found you-a-you."

Inuyasha yelled. "Naraku! Naraku buddy you there!" The door opened and

sure enough Naraku was on the other side. He was dressed all in purple. And it seemed like some of his wheel chair was held together by duck tape, (silver not white..of course) which was probably

from the last encounter.

"Hey there buddy!" Inuyasha yelled. "You know u really ought to get

your doorbell fixed!"

Naraku just stared, "What?"

"Your doorbell! You need to get it fixed…it sings not rings."

Naraku looked toward his doorbell and willingly pocked it. They both

heard a low DONG, and Inuyasha looked baffled.

"What are u talking about..In..Inuyasha." he twitched so fastly in his

chair that Inuyasha thought that he might fall out. "The bell works fine."

"But just a minute ago…." Inuyasha cancled his attempt in convincing

him.

"Oh well. Anyways I came to see if u wanted to come to my house later,

cuz I'm having a lil get together."

Naraku threw his hand up and started to repeatedly hit his chest.

Inuyasha flinched backwards. "So would u like to come?"

"Well," he said between a hit. "I don't know." He twitched some more

and stuttered as he spoke. "Well I……I guess so. As long…as …..you …aint got no WHITE."

"Well it's a date!" Inuyasha yelled once more and Naraku flinched. "Ok!

Well come on over at 6:00 and we'll have a party! We'll have music and food and live monkeys. Just because I think they are cute!" he finished and Naraku didn't say anything. "Oh! And I picked this flower for

you! Lovely day. Have you seen the sky talk about blue! See you later buddy!"

Naraku tried to roll backwards and sideways to make room to shut his

door. Inuyasha just skipped across the yard back to his mansion. He heard a sound and guessed that Naraku had fallen over.

"OH well!"

"GOD……..DAMNIT! THIRD…….TIME THIS…….WEEK!"

"Naraku's such a strong person!" Inuyasha approached the driveway.

Inuyasha saw a big purple cloud floating into the driveway.

"Oh! MY! GOD! Sesshomaru is here!" he starts to run with joy and

then trips. He got straight back up and ran like nothing happened and ran up to Sesshomaru!"BIG BROTHER!" he jumped up and gave him a big loveable hug. 'I missed you!"Sesshomaru stopped hugging Inuyasha and dropped his bags and put his hands up and screamed. "YEAHHHHH!"

"Are you ok?" Inuyasha asked putting his hand on his shoulder for

emotional support.

"I'm fine. I just love you soooooooo much."

(A/n: Brotherly love is strong in this story.)

Meanwhile back in the mansion:

Shippo was getting dressed into a evil villain looking costume! Now

I'm going to explain what it look like to you! Shippo's costume was a trash bag thrown over his head with eyes cut out, so he can see! He also has flyswatters attached to his wrist as multiple attack weapons like: a paper clip , a straw, and a piece of gum…..oh yeah and don't forget the spoon! The front of his trash bag decorated with glittering glued up macaroni which spelled lady bug and had little lady bugs all across the letters! He also had a bunch of flowers for his crown, and he also had big scuba diver flippers on his feet! But his

most powerful weapon of all was his……CAPE! It was made out of bubble wrap and in each little bubbles were a little itty bitty guppies! He went downstairs to prepare for Inuyasha and Sesshomaru's arrival!

Meanwhile outside the door:

Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were done with there huggin and exchanging

gift baskets when they decided to open the door! Sesshomaru reached out his hand slowly (reach out and touch faith) he got to the door knob and slowly wrapped his fingers around the knob. It was cold and glossy Sesshomaru could see his broad shoulders he was very proud of his broad shoulders. It almost felt as if he could fuck that doorknob like there was no tomorrow. Like a warming sensation!

Sesshomaru held the knob and looked into the deep glossy surface of the

knob. He knew that if he opened it he would

be able to cross paths

with the knob but he could rendezvous with its brother on the other side. Inuyasha looked at his brother and rolled his eyes…. "Gosh Sesshomaru! Hurry up…………..I have to show u your room and spread joy."

"Oh. All right gosh." Sesshomaru turned the knob and stepped inside the house. It was a big house, really big, and it had a staircase on either side of what looked to be the lobby. If Sesshomaru wasn't so smart he might of thought he was stepping into a 4 star hotel.

"Wow Inuyasha I never knew your house was so beautiful. It's so, oh its just so lovely."

"Thanks Sesshomaru. But it's not my house its Gangsta Kaede's."

"Who."

"Gangsta Kaede. She makes money to pay for the house. Now don't tell anyone I told you." Inuyasha leaned closed to his brothers ear. "She sells drugs."

"INUYASHA!"

Inuyasha squealed as he heard Gangsta Kaede yelling his name.

"Ummm…Sesshomaru. We need to hurry up and find your room." He grabbed Sesshomaru by his arm and lead him towards the stairs quickly.

"Inuyasha! Get your scrawny ass over here!"

"Oh dear lord save me!" Inuyasha ran with Sesshomaru right behind him into the first door they could find.

They shut the door and locked it behind him. They sat there breathing hard….and they heard feet run past the closed door.

"Oh I think we are safe now Sesshomaru."

"No we're not." Sesshomaru gulped, and Inuyasha turned around to find T-Bone standing by the bed in front of them.

Inuyasha looked back at the door and then back at T-Bone, then back at Sesshy. "How did he..?" he asked pointing at the big buff man in front of them.

"I dunno." Sesshy said.(Im gunna say Sesshy from now on) "Maybe he's really quick." Inuyasha and Sesshy shrugged their shoulders in agreement.

"Yeah." T-Bone said. "Really quick to kick both your asses." T-Bone started charging madly at Inuyasha like a rampaging bull who just saw the color red.

"NO! LITTLE BROTHER!" Sesshy put his hand towards his face and flung out a lil whip like thing so that it hit the insane maniac in the face. Blood came from the wound and hit Sesshy and Inuyasha so that they were covered in it.

T-Bone fell to the floor crying and holding his face. There was a high pitched voice coming from his mouth. "O U BASTARDS! YOUR GUNNA PAY FOR THIS! WUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He got up and ran between them and out the door.

Sesshy and Inuyasha stared at each other for a couple of seconds.

"You've got a lil sum thing on you brother." Inuyasha said as he pointed to the red stuff on Sesshy.

"O. Really I had no idea." Said Sesshy and he took his finger and started to lightly pat the stained area. He looked at his finger and saw the red liquid.

"OH MY GOD BLOOD! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Sesshy fell to the floor and started to roll around spastically.

"GET IT OFF!GET IT OFF!" he yelled some more. Inuyasha just stared at his brother.

Just then Lady Kaede came to the door. "There you two idiots are. Yo dinners ready in the damned dining room. Get your pussy asses up there. You here me."

Inuyasha looked up at Kaede and then back down at Sesshy, who suddenly stopped rolling around on the ground and jumped to his feet.

"Dinner. How I love dinner." He left the room as if nothing had happened. Inuyasha just smiled at Gangsta Kaede. She got a look on her face and smacked him on the back of the head. "Get your ass down there."

Inuyasha made his way down the stairs with Kaede constantly hitting him on the back of the head.

"PLEASE! PEACE LOVE AND NO WAR!" he ran faster down the stairs.

A/N:hey everybody hope yuo like this chappy sry it took so long to write this chappy but we just ahvent been on the comp with story on it so we couldnt write on it so yea sorry bout that anyways the next chappy will be done in a few weeks or so if evrything goes as planed well bye !


End file.
